Decisions of a 18 year old

A while ago I read an article about life choices and how they affect us. It told the story of an old man on his death bed looking back over his life. He regretted the path he had gone down and the career he had chosen. He said, "I cannot believe I let my life be directed by the choices of an 18-year old."

This had stuck with me for the last few weeks. I've wanted to write about it but I have only now started to digest it to the point where I can understand how it applies to me.

I feel that from 1995-2005, I was making all my life choices based on an initial decision I made when I was 18. I decided then that I wanted to be a music pastor. My life to that point seemed to point in that direction and I had support and a career plan laid out before me. For the next ten years, whenever a fork came in my life, I consciously or subconsciously choose the road that would get me closer to full time ministry.

Even when I wasn't working in a church, I was making connections at the music store, staying active on email lists and forums, volunteering, all in a hope that it would eventually lead to this job that 1995-Me wanted. I was building a resume but meanwhile, I was ignoring other interests and gifts I had.

It took a move to middle of nowhere and several emergency room visits to show me the big picture. It was like I zoomed out about 5 levels on Google Maps and now I could see my path. I could also see all the other paths in front of me. I made a decision to go in another direction, down a path I wouldn't have looked at before because it led away from music pastoring.

That was just over a year ago and I have to say I can't remember being this happy before. Not when I was working full-time in Winnipeg, not when I was at school. I haven't looked at the church job sites for over 12 months. I've unsubscribed from the email lists. I can visit another church without thinking, "If I was the music pastor here, I would change...." People ask me if I'm looking for a new position, if I'm applying, and I say something like, "Not right now. We're in a season of refreshment and renewal. God will lead us back in His time."

Honestly though, I don't see that happening. This last year I have been able to look at my gifts, abilities, weaknesses, and passions. I have realized that 18-year old with stars in his eyes was encouraged to take a certain path. I didn't know how to get off it, so I ran my hardest down it. I'm glad I was able to make the jump when I did and not when I am 75 years old and unable to change. I'm not saying that the path I'm on now is the right one for me forever, but now that I know how to zoom out and see the other paths, I think I won't be as scared to change.